Attitude of Gratitude

Image of my mom and dad and I celebrating my launch to university

August 1979

In 1979, when I learned my mom was dying and that I was going to be living far away I was not too much into gratitude. I felt sick to my stomach and confused. One of my lasting memories is of being at the University and thinking I don't know how to get home. I don't know the way. My brain was not functioning, and I did not have any sense of how to get there. My brain was in what is known as old brain or in the WW world as the hot state. Yet, I had people who could help me when the time was needed. I put money aside to pay for a plane ticket. This would get me to my brother's. He would be the one to help me to get home. My sense was it was very far away. Our only communication was by mail and a long-distance phone call once a week.

I took the train home on two occasions before my mom's death. The first time she did not recognize me. The second time saw both my parents in the hospital across the hall from one another. Mom was more worried about daddy than herself. The final time was when she would be what we now know as palliative.

When I did get that call to go home, my cousin's partner got me to the airport. I began the journey to be with my mom for the final days and hours of her time here. What I witnessed was her great suffering. As I watched my mom suffer and especially during the last hours of her living here on earth, I was grateful she found her way to death. It was painful to watch her take her last breath. Yet, at the same time it was so relieving. I have never gotten over missing her. Grappling with who this woman was. Recognizing how she has influenced the life I led and would lead. Finding ways to be grateful for her strength and faith. Mom loved the church and all things church. I often wonder if that is part of my fascination with religion and how it fits into or does not fit into the ways I live out my own life. I wonder if it is part of my growing up to rebel and fight with ghosts since I did not have her here to fight with in person. I am grateful I am alive to fight the good fight and be present to how it all fits for me. Grateful for my mom's influence and grace of encouraging me go to school, thereby having the opportunity to create a life for myself.

Love is a strange beast. Living the moment of my mom's death with an attitude of gratitude set me on a path of being grateful each morning and evening. A habit that is now 16,060 days old. I may have missed a day from time to time. However, I have been consistent over these forty-four years.

Having an attitude of gratitude has allowed me to develop pathways in my brain that opened my life to new possibilities. Possibilities like mattering. The journey to mattering was long and arduous. However, it began by learning to be grateful for what was and is in front of me in any given moment.

I have learned to appreciate and be grateful for many people, experiences, and opportunities over the years. I have been influenced by the gift offered freely by so many people. These gifts are what sustained me in times of trouble and hardships. Life is filled with so many ups and downs. I appreciate all of it.

Having decided to begin a practice of being thankful for the gifts in front of me rather than angry for what was being taken away has set me on a trajectory of witnessing the world from the glass half full. This tiny practice connected me with my mom each morning upon waking and each evening before I went to sleep. I was able to hold her close then let her go so I could live my day. While my practice has shifted over the years the thread that connects gratitude and my mom remain intact.

I have been working on a list of 1000 things I am grateful for. Working hard not to duplicate my list. Taking stock, breaking it down by decade, people I love, experiences that helped me to grow, achievements I have been honored with, goals I set for mysef and achieved, challenges I have taken on and failed, therapy I have completed, learnings I have embraced. Nature I so enjoy.

I have experienced the practice gratitude as a process of zooming out to look at life from a bird eye view. Appreciating how all of us are like busy ants playing a part to make the world go round and round. I tend to focus on my relationships finding ways I appreciate each person and how we show up in each other's lives. Part of my attitude of gratitude is the action of showing up for others and myself. It is often a balance of self and others that I seek.

Another way I show up is to be conscious of experiences and people I may not feel gratitude towards and be open to shifting that relationship.

I believe my practice of gratitude has been beneficial in terms of my ability to sleep. I drift off quickly while focusing on all the wonderful gifts the world offers. Having a practice that shapes my waking sets me up for a day of seeing the beauty both in nature and nurture by others.

How does that show up in your life?