Inhale Courage Exhale Fear

I was privileged to be invited to a wonderful women's conference during the first weekend in February. I spoke at the conference to 60+ women. It was an amazing experience, and I am so grateful to Wanda Henwood for the opportunity and to all the participants at the conference for holding space for me to speak!

I am a quilter.

The one on the left was completed many years ago when I worked with Seniors and had a quilting program.

The one on the right is a work in progress.

This is the talk I shared during the conference:

The Courage to Heal

I have been on a very long healing journey from a history of childhood physical, sexual, and emotional abuse and the neglect that follows. 

I am here to share with you my life in terms of my healing with references to some of the things that needed to be and continue to need to be mended. 

I have been creating and quilting the patterns of my life into a beautiful tapestry that does not deny the trek nor the roads not taken.

There are many patterns that look similar.  However, there are minute differences that changes how I engage at the crossroads of choice.

First I want to talk about why I decided to go on a journey of healing…..

In 1979 I left the home of my mother and father’s and entered a new world of university and city living.  I left a small rural community defined by the relationships with my family, church, and significant others who framed the trajectory of my early life.

Living in a world so different from the one I left challenged every fiber in my being.  One of the lasting memories was I did not know how to get home.  I believe that healing is my journey of coming home to me.  My mom died in November 1979.  My grandmother died in January 1980.  I soon after encountered my first healing professional.  At that time, I was pretty removed from my body and sense of self.  I was in a pattern of self-harm that would lead me to an early grave if changes were not made. 

In the beginning….there was a flip chart and a crude drawing of a body with an emphasis that I lived in a body which included my head and not just in my head.  That my body held emotions and sensations not just thoughts and memories.  That we would eventually uncover and connect to my physical being.  It would take a very long time and many professionals before I was present in my body and able to connect to the vibrant life of emotions and sensations that I am now gifted to be present with.

It would also take a very long time before I engage in life without one foot in the grave.  The journey of living life with both feet planted firmly on the ground is so very new.  It has been less than two weeks since this significant shift happened.

Some of the professionals I encountered were counsellors, psychologists, massage therapists, people who practiced osteopath, physiotherapist, medical doctors, spiritual healers and eventually a psychiatrist.  All the people I met along the way helped and I healed inch by inch through my interactions with them.

In 1988 there was a rift within my family of birth, and it would take a journey of approximately thirty-six years to heal that rift.  I am not sure if it is really healed.  However, it is all going in the right direction towards healing.

During the rift with my family the woman I was involved with would become the significant partner in my journey through the ups and downs of adulthood.  Her mom became a significant mentor and someone I loved dearly.  They became my family.

In 2013 my partner died and within a week I became a patient with Inspired Living medical.  I had been on a waiting list for about 2 years.  I met my psychiatrist for an initial intake the week after my partner died.  I was scheduled for group therapy in January 2014.  On the 30th Of December 2013 my mother in-law died.  I lost my nuclear family. 

I began a journey called Acceptance and Commitment.  It was both one on one and group therapy.  It was steeped in living our values.  One of the benefits of this service is monthly offerings of Booster groups once the therapeutic group finished. This is where I can keep connected and receive the many gifts of being in community and learning.  I completed my booster group for January on Tuesday past.  It was on identity.  A concept that continues to challenge my sense of self.

In retrospect Acceptance and Commitment Therapy was an opportunity of a lifetime that lined up with what I needed and what moved me to be the best version of myself. 

The highlight of this experience was the day we visualized our deaths and were asked “what would you want on your headstone”? 

My answer was this woman lived freely and eventually that expanded to this woman lived freely through the lens of love.

Living freely through the lens of love and making a quilt require similar hours and hours of work.  In the end there is a beautiful gift for the world.

I have been shaped by the work of Dr. Adriana Wilson and her STAMP model.  Which is in the context of puzzle pieces.  STAMP stands for Safety, Tribe/Team, Aim and Ability, Meaning and Legacy and Play.  I wish to share some of the significant concepts that moulded all the hard work over the past ten years.

While there has been a multitude of learning and many opportunities to develop and build skills, I continue to be shaped by our work on living out our values within the context of the five things we need to be well.

The first thing we need to be well is to be safe.  This is an ever-continuing journey for me.  I have learned to hold my safety in many different contexts and with many different people.  It is still challenging.  However, I am in this moment, the safest I have ever been in my life.

Safety has three components.  Imagine a stool with three legs.

All three legs are important for stability.  When one of the legs is missing or broken it unbalances us. 

Making this journey in life harder.   It puts us in what is known as old brain.   The three components to safety are emotional, physical and financial:

1.   we need to feel emotionally safe 

a.  which means we need to be seen, heard and treat ourselves like we matter.  We

also need to expect others to treat us this way too.

b.   we prioritize our own needs, interest and self-care in a way that is equal to the

people in our lives. 

c.    We balance on the balance beam of life where one is not higher nor lower than

what we are.

d.   We recognize that our sense of safety and worth comes from within us.  It is not

conditional on our appearance, performance, abilities, or other people’s approval.

As I grew in my safety, I began sharing my opinions, asking to have my needs met and did the important work of setting boundaries and enforcing them.

I learned to agree to disagree.  Even with the people who are in my inner most circle.  Learning to tolerate when someone was upset with my position

e. When I meet new people, my inner safety is challenged. 

I know this because it is difficult for me to express and own my needs and opinions. 

Sometimes I struggle to say “no” or set a boundary that is healthier for me.

I tend to compromise myself so the there is no conflict.

My balance beam is not balanced, and I need to own I experience myself as less than.

I am learning that life is a journey, not a destination.  That I have filters or lenses that shape my life and that changing those filters and lenses are hard.  Learning to matter unconditionally has been and continues to be a challenge in new situations.

2.   We need physical safety

a.   to be free from intimidation, threats and physical or sexual violence.

b.   to have our basic needs for shelter, food and water met

c.    to have enough physical health to meet the demands of our lives.

Living free from intimidation, threats and physical or sexual violence would be a very long journey for me.  However, I am now living a life free from these things.  Events like what

happened in Portipique challenges every fiber in me to maintain my sense of internal safety.

I have lived homeless and have struggle to meet my needs to feed myself.  While I am free from that at this point in my life. I continue to, at times, fear being back in those places.

I have worked hard to have solid physical health.  I joined a CrossFit community at one point to learn the skills of being functionally fit.  This shapes my life around my physical health.

Living a life shaped by intimidation, threats and both physical and sexual violence changed who I was as a child.  Changed who I was as a young adult and healing has changed who I am.

I used to be in a constant battle between fight, flight and freeze.  I mostly lived in freeze.  I felt fighting or any kind of escape was not possible.  I had embodied my harm and could not escape from myself, could not escape from my sense of evilness.  I am making progress on this journey by taking on G*d.

3.   We need to be financially secure which means:

a.   We can financially take care of our basic needs including food, shelter, and water.

b.   We can access necessary health provisions like the medications we need.

c.    We can maintain the lifestyle we have become accustomed to for ourselves and our dependents.

d.   We must believe we are capable of all this.

I find this pillar of safety one of the most challenging.  I can and do have my basic need for food, shelter, and water firmly in place.

I am at this point able to take care of any of my medical needs,

I fear being able to maintain my current lifestyle.  Market fluctuation during covid made me aware of the possibility of how vulnerable I can be.

Shifting from my strategy of having one foot in the grave—where if I ran out of funds, I could just die by suicide to standing firmly on the ground has challenged me to have new strategies like going back to work.

Everything in life seems to be an act of balancing and of noticing what is fact and what is fiction.  When I think all my money will disappear due to outside forces, I feel financially unsafe.  However, that is most likely not true.  So, I change the filter to one of knowing I can secure my financial stability.  That takes me out of fight, flight, freeze or what is known as old brain into new brain, and I just live my life.

The second thing we need to be well is Tribe/Team.  We need to be surrounded by people whom we feel emotionally safe and who are like us in ways that are important to us.  I have found that having supportive people who live in line with my values has been instrumental.  It helps me navigate the kind of life that I want to live.  On the flip side I also learned that having people in my life who are not in line with my values while challenging at times, has given me clarity in the life I want to lead.

While Dr. Wilson has shifted her language from Healthy Tribe to a Healthy team.  I find myself navigating the world a bit differently.  I look at my close personal friends and family members who are part of the life I now lead as being part of my healthy tribe.  I look at the doctors, therapist, support people in my life as part of my healthy team.

There was a study done that showed there is a higher risk of an earlier death by loneliness (45%) than alcoholism (30%) or obesity (20%). (Holt-Lustad, Smith & Layton, 2010).  Which points to our need for connection to survive.

We are biologically programmed to ask for our needs to be met.  One of the most damaging lenses of my life was that I was alone to fend for myself and I did not deserve getting help.  I have felt alone for most of my life.  Covid made me aware of my isolation and deep loneliness.  I joined WW (Wellness Wins) to connect with like-minded people on a journey of working towards being the best version of ourselves.  One of the best things I have ever done.  I have had to go through a transformation as WW rebranded themselves back to Weight Watchers an entity that challenged my sense of emotional safety and sometimes narrows the scope of my journey.  I continue to work it out and know the community of WW (Weight Watchers) is changing my life and allowing me to practice my internal safety!

I have opened my heart to my sister and brothers and am finding an emotional home once again on the shores of the Miramichi.  It is like being wrapped in a blanket and hearing that I am loved.  I am not alone.   I have found the my way home and I am not lost anymore.

Being in healthy tribes and supported by a team of people who live in line with my values is reinforcing that I matter.  It is securing my wounded attachments.

The third thing we need to be well is aim and ability.  We need aim/purpose and ability/mastery.  Aim is all about purpose really.  We need a reason to get up in the morning and we need to feel good about something we do.  I start my day by texting myself.  I generally put in a few SMART goals which is a whole topic on its own.  Each day I set goals and I accomplish goals.  It helps that WW (Weight Watchers) encourages goal setting as well.  I am currently in the process of painting all the floors in my home.  Ability is about learning and mastery.  Currently I am learning to play the clarinet.  We shall see how I master it!  Over the last 10 years I have learned and mastered many, many things.  I have built things; my whole house has gone through a transformation with the work of my hands and the help of others.  I have mastered kayaking on the Cobequid Bay.  Back squatting 120 lbs.  Life has purpose and it is filled with gratitude.  I am working on a book 1000 things I am grateful for.

The fourth thing we need to be well is Meaning and Legacy.  We are hardwired for meaning.  We need to feel we are part of something bigger than ourselves.   Currently I am studying at the Atlantic School of Theology.  Taking a course call the Virtues of friendship.  The ethics and play of Friendship.  It is a journey of redefining my relationship with G*d and retelling the story of myself in this context.   I find meaning when I watch my friend Paula fish or when we go Kayaking on the lakes and ponds in the region.  When an eagle gifts me with its presence.

I wonder what my legacy will be.  I am finding meaning in writing a book called “I Saw Ryan Today”.  It is about a journey with a psychologist that spanned 06 September 2017 to 05 December 2018.  A forty-eight in—session journey of deepening the relationship I had with myself.

I am finding meaning and legacy with my family as we heal and pass on that healing to their children and their children’s children. 

I blog and find meaning in offering a glimpse of myself to people interested in reading my journey.  It has helped build relationships with my family and reconnected me to old friends.  It is also deepening relationships with new friends.  (https://www.livingfreelythroughthelensoflove.com/)

Will I be remembered as having come to the point of truly living freely through the lens of love?

The fifth and final piece of the stamp puzzle is Play.  Play is my superpower.  I believe my ability to play has saved my life and has in part helped me develop a strong sense of what is called a “Growth Mindset” (Dweck, 2006).  A not yet, kind of thinking

Play has kept me engaged in life physically, emotionally, and cognitively.  I believe play has helped shape me socially from a young age when I played kick the can with the neighbours.

I am great at play.  At Christmas I was an elf and in 2024 I enjoy being a Pixie.  I am testing the waters of being brave enough to be different.

Play is about curiosity, creativity, and challenge.  It is important no matter what age we are. 

Every aspect of my life needed to go through a transformation.  It is hard work.  However, the payoff is I want to live on this side of the grave.  Engaging with the patterns on my quilts and taking risks to do things differently.  To live, love and laugh.

It does take courage to heal.  We must inhale courage and exhale fear.

All participants received a copy of The 5 Things we need to be well and Start the day Strong and End the day Stronger. This was made possible through the generous donation of Dr. Adriana Wilson. On behalf of all of us thank you Dr, Wilson.

Resources:

The 5 Things we need to be well: https://www.amazon.ca/Things-We-Need-Be-Well/dp/1980822026  

Start the Day Strong End the Day Stronger: https://www.amazon.ca/s?k=Start+the+day+strong&crid=2HXYEKSR9QFW8&sprefix=start+the+day+strong%2Caps%2C107&ref=nb_sb_noss

Reference to Study: Holt-Lunstad et al. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Med, 7(7), e1000316.