Mirror, Mirror

I am 51 days into the journey of appreciating the woman in the mirror. Each day I look silently in a full-length mirror for two minutes. I then play "Yes to Life" by Heather Bishop while looking at myself. The song is 3.25 minutes long. Some days 5.25 minutes is a very long time to be aware of the me looking back at me. It is a time of reflecting on my external and internal self.

It is hard work to see myself. It is a journey of contradictions. As I get smaller in the mirror.... that is as the outside of me gets smaller, I notice that the inside grows. It is getting larger. My heart is expanding to meet the world in ways that are unfamiliar.

I have been sharing with people the struggle I had early last week with grief and shame. As I worked through those emotions by holding them with care and love, a shifting had began....

A key to my being able to hold my emotions is my practice of being mindful. The way I intentionally pay attention to what comes up while holding a non-judgmental stance and an attitude of openness and grace towards myself.

One morning as I was standing, looking at myself in the mirror this came to mind:

mirror, mirror

on the wall

am I short

or

am I tall

can I see

the me of me

celebrate

what I see

Celebrating ourselves was the topic last week in WW (weight watchers). I noticed it brought up a lot of feelings! One of the memories that came to the surface was of being in grade two. We were learning how to spell. My mom was a stickler for us knowing our spelling. Therefore, I did great on the spelling test. I got 100%! So exciting until......my friend did not do so well, and the teacher made us line up across the room from those who did really well to those who did not. I was at one end of the line and my friend was at the other. Tears flowing freely down her face. It was an incredibly painful moment and one that began my dislike and sorrow when it comes to comparing. The teacher not only shamed my friend, she undermined my joy. I have had many moments of being compared. Often, I was on the end of not doing so well. Given the message of not being "good enough."

Sometimes I have a difficult time celebrating my successes, as I don't want it to be at the expense of another. It is a dilemma. I am left with the choice

to hide..... the gifts that make up me

or

shine

sharing my gifts with the world

I received an e-mail from a friend this week saying she came across this on Instagram (@bradmontague). It was her way of encouraging me to shine.

It highlighted my internal conflict and allowed it to surface. I used my superpowers of the 3 C's: curiosity, compassion, and courage, allowing all my feelings to dance one with the other and provide the emotional fuel I need to stand tall and not be small.

I recognized that hard feelings are part of life and as I allow all the painful feelings to be present

I focused on experiencing them as feedback rather than evaluation. I labeled each feeling that came forward. I happen to have shame, sorrow, grief, and guilt. I also experienced a deep loneness at my very core.

On the flip side of those hard emotions that arose in terms of celebrating I also experienced pride, joy, calm, and self love.

We are like a car battery having both the positive and negative.

.

Positive and negative emotions are part of our human condition. We hope to have more positive than negative feelings. However, both are currents running through our lives providing the necessary fuel to move us to action. Regardless of the levels of positive or negative emotions, we draw on them to provide us with energy and resilience throughout each day.

As I build my best life it is inevitable that I will choose to shine. Shining is in line with my value to live freely through the lens of love. Being curious about my struggles with celebrating and shining and having the compassion for where I am in my journey allows me to have the courage to sit with what comes. Allows me to implement the three superpowers of awareness, accountability, and action. I am aware that it is hard at times to shine the light on all that I do to live the best life in a larger forum. However, I am accountable to myself each and every day by tracking my progress in my spreadsheet and sharing it weekly with someone who helps me keep on track. I am a a super tracker and I am a super SMART goal maker. One of my superpowers is I follow-through with actions. I am happy with 75% give or take.... depending on the day. However, I reflect 100% of the time on my SMART goal. It helps me to celebrate my success and learn from the friction that gets in the way of reaching any particular goal.

Holding both the positive and negative emotions during my reflection times often brings mixed emotions to the surface. Last week I had a week filled with mixed feelings.....drawing on my self-compassion and radical acceptance allowed me to draw on my superpowers and resilience. I am so grateful to have learned about the three C's curiosity, compassion, and courage. They have cradled me well. I am also using the three A's of awareness, accountability, and action. Finally, this week I was reminded of the three B's, believe, breathe, and be. I am looking forward to the week ahead as I focus on believing in myself, actioning in my journey, living in my values. Sit in radical acceptance and breathe my 5-7-8. In for 5 counts, hold for 7 counts and release for 8 counts. Finally it will be so much fun to be...present, alive, active, and shining my way into the rest of my life.

Resources:

Heather Bishop "Yes to Life": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLnEMf26Ab0

6 Ways to Exercise Self-Compassion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1g-SD3B1jB8

Kristin Neff: The Three Components of Self-Compassion Greater Good Science Center https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=

Kristin Neff - 2 Minute Tips - How to Practice Self Compassion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lnU4fZ3eiM

Radical Acceptance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVwIVwGOnpo