MY MARBLE WORLD

My Marble world Created to feel loved Connected to other In the aloneness of my childhood

Welcome on a journey of my marble world.

welcome

to the world of my marbles

a world of working things out

working out—all the

complicated things

and not so complicated things

……things

that have

remained invisible

to the outside world

swirling round and round

inside my being

keeping me

disconnected

from my knowing

messages that shape me

causing me pain

yet the pain is hidden

from myself

much like the messages

attached to the marbles

invisible threads

that yank me to my past

keeping me small and vulnerable

I am grateful for my marbles

my marble world

a world that has held

more than its share

to protect me

so I could survive

learn to thrive

shifting my world

to one I can embrace

and make visible the invisible

I am grateful for my marbles

my marble world

keeps me safe

to this very day

when being safe

appears elusive

I am grateful for my marble world

for holding me gently

until………

I am ready

am able

to discover this world

and it’s hidden messages

until…….

I have explored

with the assistance of other

and processed to a point

where

I am ready

to explore

for myself

using the skills

I’ve learned over time

choosing to

lean into

what is there

allowing it to become visible

opening myself to the pain

releasing it back into the universe

I am grateful for my marble world

for holding me gently

until……..

I am willing to jump

eyes wide open

fully immersing myself

in that world

discovering

the universe inside

my being

taking risks

sharing what I now know

for once I share….

once it is reflected back

I hit a point

of no return

a point of owning

that I know what I know

deep inside my bones

to my very core

a deep knowing

which was always there

somewhere

the tiniest of voices

connected yet disconnected

from the day to day

reality I live

this is my journey over the last 20 days

a journey shaped

by entering my marble world

once again……

this time from a place

of knowing

on many, many levels

“I Matter”

yet knowing

I would be running into

messages of “I don’t matter”

pitting one against the other

in moments where I am unable

to hold onto my power

of mattering

this is my trek into

a world that reflected

me being seen

in the darkest of

darkest days

a world where I felt loved

the love of all my marble friends…….

On Tuesday 31 January 2017

I shared my marble world

on a whole new level

with Dr. Adriana Wilson

which means I shared my

marble world with myself

to a depth I was not able to

before

shared how the marbles hold

my rage

how my outer world shuts down that rage

leaving me physically cold

as if walking through snow drifts

on the coldest of coldest days

wearing next to nothing

as if I did not recognize

that summer turned into fall

fall turned into winter

I embrace the coldness

so I don’t have to

own the fire inside

burning wildly

the fire—which is volatile

unpredictable

the fire—I contain

so I don’t witness

its volcanic eruptions

the blowups

which can happen without notice

the fire—I contain

so there is an illusion

of its steadiness and slowness

within my being

allowing me to concentrate

on the quietness of the coldness

keeping me

void of feelings

I opened a window to a world

recognizing my inner rage

hidden from my own being

yet…..unhidden at the same time

AND for the first time

in a very long time

I see….with clarity

my beautiful, wonderful marble world

my many, many marbles

which have shaped me

through their eye of love

I see the eye of the individual marbles

that have held me with love shifting

before my eyes

giving way to experiencing

the tiny pupil

reflecting the containment

the energy of controlling

all that rage

holding it within the marble itself

the tiny pupil

reflecting the connection to a deeper rage

living outside the marble world

spewing fire from its volcano

passionate, volatile and capricious

sending ribbons of lava down the mountain side

into the Atlantic ocean…

creating a new land outside my marble world

reminding me of the disintegration of self

fear….runs through my veins

yet I hear a voice outside myself

that of Dr. Adriana Wilson

offering a new possibility

a possibility I struggle to hold onto

in the midst of my nuclear meltdown

the images in my brain of destruction beyond repair

I reach out and grasp the thread of possibilities she offers

the transformative power of the volcano

burning all that is in its path, making room for new growth

making fertile ground for something new and healthy

leaving in its wake many super nutritious elements

that will help me grow

into the person I am meant to be

I have a choice to connect to

the nuclear mass destruction

the destruction of self

reminding me of not mattering

in the realm of the world…thus

keeping me small and vulnerable

or

the unstoppable force and dramatic way

nature can shift and change the land in which I walk

a land that embraces—I matter

immersing me in my strong and healthy self

I have a choice to connect to

the rage and turn it into self harm

keeping me stuck

going back to a familiar

strategies to protect other(s)

teaching me through my choice

I don’t matter

or

I have a choice to connect to

feeling the rage, releasing it back into the universe

choosing to move my life forward

connecting to a strategy to protect myself

teaching me through my choice

I matter

I have beautiful, wonderful, magnificent marbles

windows into

altered worlds

My marble world

created to feel loved

connected to other

in the aloneness of my childhood

marbles…….

holding my anger, rage, fears and tears

holding them

for many many years

my marbles

often abandoned

as I grew up

and separated from

this wonderful creative

world of

my childhood imagination

yet reconnected

from time to time

over my whole life span

my marble world

created

to kept my soul

safe

in times of great distress

a world built

to hold my feelings

helping me separate

shut down

treating emotions

as other

separating them

from me

they have served

their purpose

and I am ever so grateful

as I enter once again

this marble world

sharing this world

I see reflected

a rage that is so

powerful that

I feel it burning down the whole fucking world

—a rage so powerful that it

remains hidden in some of the

solid colored marbles

that have no window to the rage

however are still influenced by it

the yesterday of many yesterdays

20 sleeps of yesterdays past

I shared my marble world

the one within my own mind

I am making connections to the suppression of

my rage

the suppression of fears and tears

all a reflection of keeping other protected

not outing them

sacrificing me

so they are protected

which leaves me not

I am modeling what I have been taught

once again, treating myself

in ways that give me the message

that “I don’t matter”

I am making connections to the suppression of rage

how it is…..

keeping me small and scared

and I know

THIS IS NOT GOING TO CONTINUE

it is time to embrace my rage

change it

into something beautiful

transform my rage

through actions

as a phoenix arising from the ashes

where I allow my old self

to die in a show of flames and combustion

rising once again to

—live the life I want to live

—from a place of mattering

not just in this moment but in every moment

making decisions through this lens

it is time to walk on this new land

opening in the wake of the volcano

erupting from within

it is time to walk on this new land

releasing the marbles from containing

all that rage

taking back into my being the energy

available from that release

it is time to allow

the barriers within my own mind

to burn

so all the options

can be seen

be sorted

where

I choose which ones

I want to come to fruition

from my strong and healthy self

it is time to take back my power

the power to change the dynamics

of my life

it is time to use all the tools in my tool box

facing all challenges

through the lens of love

calling upon those who love me

to support me

helping me

live out my values

from a place of commitment

recognizing that life is a journey

not from point a to point b

it is a cyclical one

defined by moments of happiness

loss, suffering and hope

it is a one of change

one of new patterns

one of finding new states of balance

it is one of taking action

life is a journey

of small and sometimes large deaths

where we get to be reborn

in this life time

as I journey towards releasing my rage

dying to the beliefs I hold

I embrace the possibilities

that I will rise from the ashes

stronger and wiser

embracing a new me

the groundbreaker

of my future

finding freedom

in the dying

20 February 2017