Radical Acceptance (2)

"Whatever is soft is strong."

Being kind, gentle and compassionate like the waters surrounding the rocks on the shores of my bay on a beautiful calm day

while holding space for the moments of turbulence, chaos, confusion, and turmoil

has been my journey. Sometimes holding space is for the calmness during of the turbulence, chaos, confusion, and turmoil.

Either way the first step on the road to radical acceptance is....

pencil in hand ready to write and rewrite the life I had both lived and more importantly the life I am living in each present moment. Building on all the beautiful and confusing moments noticing what I am thinking and feeling helps shape and reshape them into a life moving forward. A life anchored to my values.

I began a journey of radically accepting myself a very long time ago. In the beginning, I did not even know I was on this journey. Yet, at each stage of my growing

I am

to write the symphony of my life.

I am inspired by the film Mr. Holland's Opus

A movie based on a true story of Glenn Holland (played by Richard Dreyfuss) and his struggles to write his Opus while being a teacher and all that it required of him.

Like Mr. Holland I am writing my 95th or so composition of my life and bringing together an ensemble. When my time on earth is done my greatest masterpiece will be finished. I will have created the life in which I am the dancer to the music of my soul. Without regret and the ultimate freedom through the lens of love will be played out on the final stage of my journey.

I am hopeful that the final stage of my journey will not be for a very long time. So, there are many compositions to write. Currently I am using some of the following skills as players in my symphony.

Mindfulness. I have learned over time to take a softer perspective towards my life. I can embrace my mind, body, spirit and all life experiences with gentleness and compassion. I can be curious. Offer self compassion and have the courage to sit with the good, the bad and the ugly. Sit with the urges to act on my discomfort, observe the tugs of war going on in my mind and let the rope go. Asking myself if these thoughts are fact or fiction. Recognize old patterns in my brain as I continually work to forge new pathways. I am on a mission designed to keep my pain from turning into suffering.

One of the deepest challenges I have faced is that of loving myself. Loving myself from the inside out. I have had to sit with feelings of unworthiness. Sitting in my unworthiness was painful and I suffered terribly. I felt deeply contaminated and with a lot of help I was able to shift things. I was gifted with a mindful meditation that focused on me learning to love my hands. Then to love each part of my body in turn. I worked with this meditation every day for a couple of years. I rewired my brain. I continue to pull that meditation out from time to time. When I first began my mirror work. I used this tool to remind myself 'I got this'. I don't need to suffer anymore. I am beautiful. I am worthy and I matter.

By gently embracing myself time and time again I have learned from the inside out to shift my thinking and those thoughts that went into my conclusion of unworthiness. The thoughts were not facts, they were fiction. Moving from unworthiness to being worthy is a journey in and of itself. One specific exercise I did over time was fill a scrapbook up with my negative thoughts. I wrote them on the pages of my book in pencil. Then I covered each thought with a band aid. I wrote on the top of each band aid with a red permanent marker a kinder more positive and yes, truer description of myself. The pencil markings have faded both in my scrapbook and in the grooves in my brain. The highlighted red permanent marker words have formed new groves which I am forever grateful for. This led to a shift in how I treated myself. Leading me to require others to treat me in new ways. It was a shifting of boundaries and relationships. There were many moments of discomfort on this journey and my skill of urge surfing has boded well.

Urge Surfing is a technique that is used to avoid acting on any behaviours that we want to reduce or stop. Behaviours that are not in line with our values. If you check out my post January 19, 2023 you will find lots of references to my urge surfing. As a reminder, I learned to urge surf by practicing. I placed a piece of dark chocolate on my tongue and allowed it to melt in my mouth. Practicing not going with the urge to swallow.

I find on my current WW (weight watchers) journey having things that are non-negotiable bundled with the skill of urge surfing helps me be successful in my choices during challenging times. An example of this is snacking in the evening. I have made a choice to do intermittent fasting. I fast from 6:00 pm to 10:00 am most days. I have some flexibility when I am not in my home environment. I sometimes get the urge to eat things I used to eat, like chips in the evening. Having boundaries around my eating time helps remind me to surf the urge of eating those chips but this may not be enough. If I choose to eat the chips inside my fasting time, then I have the challenge of sitting with my choice and what might arise out of that choice. Focusing on my breathing and keeping myself in safety are key components of being kind, gentle and compassionate with myself.

Breathing in a way that keeps me in safety. Out of flight, flight or freeze. It is one of my most valued skills. There are many offerings as to the ways one might breathe. Everyone needs to find what works for themselves. I currently use 5-7-8. I breathe into the count of 5; hold to the count of 7 and breathe out to the count of 8. The key take away is to breathe out longer than we breathe in. When I talk about breathing in. I am talking about breathing into my belly. I am sharing a couple of videos that talk about 4-7-8 breathing. If you are curious, look on the internet. There are many offerings.

Another key player in my symphony is that of reflecting.

This is a picture taken on what is known as MacElmons Pond Provincial Park in the area where I live. I often have opportunities to take beautiful pictures of the reflections in the water. I have found that reflecting on both the things that are going well and the things that are not going so well are important to my journey. Important to have as part of my symphony. I get to learn from both. I get to build myself up by embracing the choices I make that are in line with living freely through the lens of love and have compassion for the ones that are not so much in line with my values. I get to zoom out and recognize that some decisions that I might want to beat myself up about when I look at them close to my face are not that important.

Zooming out helps me to understand the context of my life and the context of other's lives. As I have healed, I have come to a deeper understanding of the lives of others and the intersection of their lives and my own. I sometimes imagine the music of my symphony becoming quieter as I zoom out and witness my life. Not less distinct, just quieter. Not blurry, clearer in its musical quality, more beautiful in terms of depth and a fullness in both the rhythm and harmony I have with the universe.

My symphony has shifted from where I drew my past into my current reality and I get to add more depth to my Opus as I continue to draw my new to me future!

Until next week. What are the elements of your symphony?

Resources:

Mindfulness:

All it takes is 10 mindful minutes Andy Puddicombe • TEDSalon London Fall 2012

https://www.ted.com/talks/andy_puddicombe_all_it_takes_is_10_mindful_minutes?language=en

Urge Surfing:

Jennifer May, Phd: DBT - Mindfulness - Urge Surfing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIA2ewXayTc

Breathing:

Dr. Weil explains how to do his 4-7-8 breathing technique. Relaxing Breathing Exercise https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8fjYPC-k2k

4-7-8 Calm Breathing Exercise | Relaxing Breath Technique | Extended Breaths | Pranayama Exercise https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Dv-ldGLnIY

Reflection

Understanding Reflective Practice https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBmtH0Qx0YU

Introduction to Reflective Practice https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9hyWVEG2x0

Zooming out

When In Doubt, Zoom Out Melli O'Brien: Learn Mindfulness & Mental Strength https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6yYVOGhAmY